


Luna Ursi

by Allthephils



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, very minor mentions of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21317398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allthephils/pseuds/Allthephils
Summary: Phil takes in a stray dog and soon realizes he’s found his other half.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 31
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi at [@allthephils](http://allthephils.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you like the fic, please reblog it on Tumblr. You can do that[ here](https://allthephils.tumblr.com/post/615872318477123584/luna-ursi-completei)
> 
> Thank you!

Phil’s nightly walks have become a ritual. Just as it gets dark, he bundles up and heads out for a stroll up the road, once around the park, and then back again. There was a time when he would have been too scared to walk alone but therapy and practice has changed that. His very tall and very wide frame means people tend to keep their distance unless they’re checking him out. It took quite a few tries, going out and carefully watching the world around him, before he began to feel almost safe. The moon and stars and the lights of his little corner of the city are worth the quiet hum of anxiety that remains. Knowing he can prioritize this thing he loves over that subtle ever present fear brings him a great deal of pride.

This night is surprisingly clear and cold. The park is lit up by a bright full moon and Phil stops to look, making out seas and craters. His hands are in his pockets as he gazes at the sky. It feels so good, this solitude. It’s a moment of simple stillness but it doesn’t last. The static vibration that resides at the back of his neck increases in volume, just slightly, and Phil’s head whips around toward something moving in the dark. He takes his hands out of his pockets.

It’s not a man and so his heart slows to it’s usual hyper alert pace while his eyes struggle to focus. It’s an animal, a big one, and it’s coming closer, black with shining eyes and pointed ears that face forward, standing tall. A dog.

Any residual fear dissipates, taking with it some of the anxiety Phil carries with him all the time. His posture softens, his fists unfurl, and the dog picks up it’s pace until it’s maybe ten feet away. It doesn’t sit, it doesn’t approach him, it just stands and watches, it’s tail swishing once or twice. Phil pulls his scarf tight around his neck and puts his hands back in his pockets before continuing on his way. 

The next day is spent editing and emailing, planning and outlining, every meal eaten at his desk. Phil takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes, glancing out the window at the silvery glow of the night outside. He had no idea the sun had gone down. He considers skipping his walk, he’s so tired. That bright moon calls him though. By the time the next full moon rolls around, it could be cloudy, it could be pouring rain, and he’ll regret missing out. Stepping into his shoes, he wraps up in his warmest coat and steps into the cold.

He walks briskly doing his best to generate some warmth. Stopping to moongaze just isn’t an option in this weather so he finds himself rounding the park in record time. The trail that leads around this park follows the edge of a wooded area, thick with trees. There’s no way to avoid it as the trail comes right up against the trees before it ends at the main road. Phil’s pace always picks up, eager to pass that bit as quickly as possible. It’s not a forest by any means, just a little stretch of woods in the city. It’s likely littered with beer cans and condoms in there and that thought is even more discomforting than the deep mysterious darkness itself. Just as Phil begins to slow his pace, he hears a rustling from the trees and speeds back up again. There’s a huff of breath behind him and he stops, turning cautiously to see who or what has come up behind him. His breath is held for a moment but he lets it out with great relief when he sees the dog from the night before. It’s saunters forward until it’s right there, looking up at him with big brown eyes that reflect the moonlight. It’s head tips to one side, tongue falling out for a moment.

Phil can’t help but laugh. He should not pet a stray dog, especially not one the size of this one. It could definitely take his arm off if it wanted to. It’s just so cute though, sitting there, regarding Phil like he’s something to figure out. It doesn’t look scared or dangerous, just curious and maybe a little sad. Phil crouches down and carefully, slowly, reaches out to let the dog sniff his hand. It does, it’s ears pulling back slightly. Phil strokes over the dog’s ear and gently scratches behind it.

“You’re a good pupper, aren’t you?” He coos, “yes, you are.” He feels his away to the dog’s neck but there’s no collar. This dog does not look like feral, it’s so clean and soft, so well behaved. It looks loved. He strokes down the dog’s side once before he stands to leave. When he looks over his shoulder, the dog is sat there, head still tipped, watching Phil walk away. 

On the way home, he stops at Tesco for milk and picks up a small baggie of dog treats that he tucks into his pocket, just in case. He can’t help but wonder if the dog will be ok out there, if it has a family somewhere, looking for it. Maybe he shouldn’t have left it. The dog is still on his mind when he climbs into bed. He’s googling dog breeds, trying to decipher what kind of dog that was, but his eyes are slipping shut so he gives up the search and drifts off.

His dreams are moonlit that night. He’s running through the park, through the woods. He on all fours, running faster than he ever could in real life, wind rushing past, animals skittering out of the way. He pounces on something, a rabbit maybe. His teeth sink in, tearing flesh, blood spraying and he thrashes the animal side to side, gripped in his jaws. It’s not frightening or disturbing, it’s exhilarating.

***

Phil is always aware of his surroundings. It may not appear that way as clumsy as he is, but the reality is that he’s focussed on everything but his feet. Tonight, his awareness is focused on the trees and the dark expanse of lawn that stretches alongside the path. He scans carefully as he walks, hoping to catch a glimpse of the big black dog.

He doesn’t have to wait long before he hears something moving closer through the edge of the woods. It emerges slowly but bounds toward Phil when it sees him, slowing back down a few away, as if it remembered it’s manners. 

“Hey there. I brought you something.” Phil crouches down, pulling a few treats from his pocket. Hand out, he waits, as the dog moves closer. It lowers its nose to his hand and sniffs before looking at Phil, eye to eye. Phil’s heart feels warm and connected, he could reach out and hug this pup right around the neck, tackle it to the ground to wrestle. He doesn’t of course, they just met and Phil has manners too.

The dog takes a treat, and another, and then what’s left in Phil’s hand, leaving a slobbery mess behind. Phil wipes his hand on his jeans and laughs as the dog pants and follows his empty hand. Phil rubs it’s head and smiles wide at his friend who bounces a bit, panting, smiling too, really. The dog leans into him, nosing at his hand with enough force to practically knock him over and Phil has to put his hand on the ground to avoid it.

“Woah!” Phil laughs, “careful pup, you’re stronger than you think. You are strong like bear,” he says in a mock deep voice. He pets the dog vigorously and is rewarded by a rapidly wagging tail. “That’s what I’ll call you, Bear. It suits you.”

Phil pulls our another treat and feeds it to Bear. “Night doggo,” He says before standing up. As he walks, Bear falls into step next to him.

“Bear, you’ve got to stay here,” Phil says, “Stay.”

He carries on and Bear is right behind him.

“Bear!” Phil giggles as he turns to see the dog, happily trotting behind him. “Don’t you know that command? Sit.” Bear sits. “Good dog. Now stay.” 

Again, he walks on and again, Bear is right there on his heel. Phil stops and crouches down again. He looks at the sky and absentmindedly moves his hands to rub Bear’s neck. Clouds have rolled in, dark grey ones, that look heavy with rain. Phil thinks about Bear finding shelter in the woods, shivering in the cold London rain. Sure, he’s a dog, covered in thick fur, but Phil just can’t stomach the thought of him out here alone all night.

“Ok Bear, you can come home with me.”

Bear pants happily, watching Phil closely as he pulls himself up to stand. When they get home, Phil finds a blanket and makes a nest for Bear to sleep in on the rug in the lounge.

“No barking now, I’m not strictly sure I’m allowed to have you in this flat,” Phil says, “Goodnight Bear. Sleep tight.” He leans down and rubs his cheek over the soft fur covering Bear’s head and the dog makes a sweet sound, like a soft whine before laying down on the blanket. He huffs a breath and closes his eyes, looking utterly relaxed. Bear is safe and cozy so Phil heads to bed.

When the sun streams into the window, bright and glaring, Phil winces and turns away like he does every morning. Then, all at once, he remembers Bear. Suddenly, this day holds a lot of promise. Pulling on pajamas and a warm hoodie, he shuffles to the kitchen to make coffee then carries his mug to the lounge.

“Morning Bear,” he says, voice still groggy but full of sunshine, “what should we…” 

The blanket nest is there, just as he left it, but Bear is nowhere to be found. 

“Bear?” Phil grabs some treats and walks all over the flat but Bear is gone. He can’t for the life of him figure how he got out. Had Phil left the door open? That makes no sense, it would be freezing in here, and it’s locked. The flat is all locked up tight, the way he left it. He sits down on the blanket and picks off a few stray dog hairs. His chest feels tight, tears flood his eyes. He shouldn’t have let himself get attached to a stray. It was just a couple encounters but he just felt so connected to Bear. God, he can’t believe he named him. He wipes a tear, cursing himself for being too sentimental and desperate for companionship. He needs to spend more time with friends because this is ridiculous.

_ 1 month later  _

In the past month, Phil has been to 2 dog shows, 3 dog rescue shelters, 1 pet adoption fair, and paid 3 visits to the RSPCA. Every dog he’s met has been wonderful. They all lift his spirits, making him feel warm and happy. They’d all make excellent companions. He’s knows he’d be lucky to take any one of the pups home but something in him says he can’t. He already has a dog. Out there somewhere is a dog that Phil loves and he’s spent every day of the last 4 weeks pining for a pet he’ll probably never see again. 

Each night, he walks through the park, slowly, giving plenty of time for Bear to show himself. Each night, he peers into the woods with bated breath and whispers, “Bear? Here boy.” And each night he goes home and climbs into bed with a heavy, lonely heart.

This night is just the same as every night. Phil stands from the sofa where he’s been working and stretches till his back cracks. He drinks the glass of water he’s been neglecting before slipping into his shoes and coat. He hadn’t realized there was a full moon tonight but as he moves further from the lights of city street, the park stays illuminated, bathed in gossamer light. There’s a bench near the halfway point on the path that leads around the park. Phil sits and rests his head back, taking in the view of the sky, feeling the cool crisp air on his cheeks. His eyes slip shut and he listens to the subtle sounds that break through the quiet.

Something bumps his knee.

Startled, Phil sits upright as his eyes fly open. There, nudging his knee, is Bear. Brown eyes shine up at him and Phil’s heart soars.

“Bear!” he practically shouts, “Oh my god, where have you been? I thought your family found you!” His eyes well up just a bit and he’s laughing out loud. He’s never been so relieved to see a stray dog in his life. “You wanna come home with me Bear?”

Bear jumps to his feet, tail wagging, tongue wagging too. He nudges at Phil’s thigh till he stands and they walk toward home together. 

This time, the nest of blankets is in Phil’s room. He’s still not sure how Bear got out that first time and he’d like to keep him close, where he can hear if he gets up and scratches at the door. 

Bear is curled up, eyes half open, watching Phil move about as he gets ready for bed. His last stop is to bend down and scratch Bear behind the ears.

“Goodnight Bear. I’ll see you in the morning.” He sets his glasses on the bedside table and checks the alarm on the phone before clicking the light off. The sheets are cool in the warm room and he can hear Bear’s soft breaths from where he rests at the foot of the bed. The flat has never felt so much like home as it does right now.

When the alarm goes off at 10 am, Phil jumps up. He’s got meetings today, and he’s late. He’d been so excited to have Bear back last night, he’d forgotten that he had to actually go out into the working world today. He’s in and out of the shower in minutes. Bear is already up, exploring Phil’s filming room. He can hear him in there and he really hopes he doesn’t knock anything expensive over. There’s no time to check right now. He makes his coffee in a travel mug and runs out the door, shouting over his shoulder.

“Be good Bear! See you tonight.”

The sun is setting when Phil leaves his last meeting. He takes his time walking to the tube, enjoying the golden light and the sherbert horizon, purple and orange and pink. He’s smiling to himself, content, when he sees a posh little pet store with the open sign lit.

He figures he’ll pick up some dog food and a leash, but £200 later, he’s got the biggest dog bed he’s ever seen, a collar, a leash, and a variety of treats and toys. The tube ride home is awkward to say the least.

Phil can’t remember the last time he was this excited to get home at the end of a day of meetings. As he fumbles for his key, he hears Bear’s wild footsteps followed by a gentle bark. Pushing the door open, he drops his packages and opens his arms to Bear, who is already jumping up. Phil’s back hits the door as Bear’s paws land on his shoulders. There’s not a whole lot he can do in the face of the welcome so he scrunches up his face and let’s bear lick his face, big wet dog kisses all over his cheeks, until Phil is out of breath from laughing. 

“Okay! Bear! Down, come on, down boy.” 

Bear jumps down and crouches, tail wagging furiously, ears pulled back. He wants to play.

“Ok Bear, it’s time for my walk anyway.” He grabs a toy and the leash and takes his first nightly walk with his dog by his side. 

This was the missing piece. The challenge of pushing through fear and anxiety to enjoy the night is gone. All Phil can feel is calm, he feels truly safe for the first time in as long as he can remember. He’s come so far, built up so much courage. He knows he can be brave on his own, but with Bear here, he doesn’t have to be brave. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Bear jumps onto the bed three times before he finally listens and lays down in his bed on the floor. It breaks his heart a little but Phil holds his ground. The dog takes up altogether too much space and it seems important to start building good habits if he’s going to live here now. Phil’s mind races with plans for his new life as a dog owner. Tomorrow morning, he’ll get online and find a good vet. He knows he’ll need to do a cursory search for Bear’s owner too, though he doesn’t think anyone who’d lose him twice in as many months truly deserves him. 

Phil dreams of the woods again, of running fast through the trees, glowing silver around him. This time he’s not alone, Bear runs at his side. He can hardly keep up and he stops trying. He just runs, his blood pumping fire in his veins as the cold London air whips by. Bear is meters ahead, sprinting, weaving around roots and rocks and fallen branches, until he leaps without warning. He lands crouched, front paws coming down hard onto something grey and furry. Phil stands perfectly still, watching the small thing struggle under Bear’s powerful legs and eventually it hangs limp from his jaws. Bear looks back at Phil before turning to walk toward him. He lays his offering at Phil’s front paws, nudging it closer with his nose. Phil sniffs at their prey, lowering his head, and Bear nuzzles into the side of his face and the thick fur at his neck. 

He wakes with a growling stomach but feeds it only a glass of water. Bears snuffling breaths are the sweetest sound in the dark of night. They sing him back to sleep. 

The autumn sun streams muted through the windows and Phil stirs. He wakes just before his alarm sounds. That hasn’t happened in ages. Most mornings, he’d grab his phone and scroll mindlessly for a while before even getting out of bed. Today, he can hear Bear’s sleepy breaths, like last night but calmer, softer like he’s not dreaming anymore. Phil stays cozy beneath the duvet and listens to the sound. He listens until he hears something that makes his breath catch in his throat. Holding it there so he can hear clearly, he waits and it comes again. A hum, just a small sleepy moan. It’s the sound you make when you’re comfortable and warm and just stirring from sleep, when a person is stirring from sleep. There’s someone else in the room.

He shuffles toward the headboard, knees to his chest. He wants to call for Bear but he doesn’t dare make a noise. Bear will keep him safe, he could scare off anyone. Where is Bear?

“Who’s there?” Phils says. He’s trembling, struggling to sound strong and unafraid. “I have a very big dog and he will fuck you up. I’m not kidding.” 

They’re moving, he can hear them moving. He steadies his breath as much as he can, struggling to stay just this side of absolute terror. His mind races. This person broke into his home, into his bedroom, his sanctuary. Everything of value is in the other rooms. Did he interrupt their burglary? Is he going to be killed or something far worse? Where the fuck is Bear? His legs prickle with heat, the blood rushing to fuel his escape. It doesn’t seem likely. He’ll have to fight. 

Finally, a person comes into view, pushing off the floor to stand near the foot of his bed. Desperate, Phil gropes for his glasses on the nightstand and now he can finally see. It’s a man. A broad, tall man. He doesn’t stand a chance. As the man stands to full height, it dawns on Phil that he’s not wearing any clothing and fear takes over. Phil’s breath quickens as his body moves without him, jumping from the bed. 

“Bear!” Phil calls out, the shake in his voice betraying him.

The man turns slowly and Phil reaches behind him to grab something, anything to protect himself. He finds himself with a ridiculous nin-nac in his hand, a ceramic lamb -banana hybrid that he bought for it’s sheer absurdity. Right now, it’s not the least bit funny. It is heavy though, it might not knock the guy out but it would slow him down. He stands stall, chest puffing, and takes a few steps towards the man. 

As he comes face to face with Phil, the man takes a single step forward and Phil raises his arm, ready to defend himself.

“No, no, no! Stop,” The man pleads, “Phil, please don’t freak out. You’re not in any danger. I’m not gonna hurt you.” 

He can see all of him now. He’s completely naked, hands up in front of him, he looks terrified. Phil doesn’t lower the lambanana just yet.

“How do you know my name? How did you get in here?” Phil shouts, his chest is heaving. “What did you do with my dog?!”

“Phil,” the man says, “I know this is crazy, I’m so sorry I frightened you.”

One more step forward and they are eye to eye. The man’s hands are still up, he’s defenseless. Phil lowers his weapon and just looks into brown eyes that feel so familiar. Despite his resistance, his gaze wanders over miles of smooth, champagne colored skin. He’s beautiful and Phil’s body warms and softens at this close proximity. 

“Phil.” His voice is reassuring for no reason at all.

“I don’t know how you know my name,” Phil says, “but you’re…”

He steps back and sits on the edge of the bed. The fear that was so present a moment ago, pushing him to run or fight or scream, is gone. He can feel his heart reach out. 

“Do I know you?” Phil says, his voice wobbly. “What the hell is going on?”

“It’s me, Phil.” He approaches slowly and crouches down in front of Phil. He tilts his head as he looks up at him.

“You?” Phil says, exasperated. 

“My name is Dan. But Phil,” The man sighs. He reaches out and it looks as though he’s going to put a hand on Phil’s but he pulls it back. “It’s me. I know this sounds fucking mental but it’s me, it’s Bear.”

“Okay, Dan is it?” He does his best to speak in a soft, measured tone. “You seem like a nice guy but I think you need a kind of help that maybe I can’t give you. There are people who know how to help you, so I’m just gonna make a call now.” Phil picks up his phone, ready to dial 999.

“Wait, wait, wait, I can prove it,” Dan says, frantically, “you have emoji pajamas.”

“Have you been watching me?” 

“You have sonic the hedgehog underwear.”

“Oh my God.” Whatever comfort he had found in Dan’s eyes is rapidly twisting itself into pure menacing danger. 

“You have a little mole under your right arse cheek. It’s cute.” Dan says and he smiles a very small, very shy smile. 

“Fuck,” Phil says, voice barely working as his throat siezes up with fear, “don’t come any closer. I’m calling 999.”

“No! Shit, I’m fucking this all up.” Dan stands and paces the floor. 

Phil dials 999 and lifts the phone to his ear.

“Phil, please.” Dan scrubs his hands over his face. “You met me in the park. You called me pupper. You called me bear because I’m strong.”

“Emergency. What service to you require?”

Phil hears the operator but he doesn’t respond, he’s paralyzed, caught between astonishment and disbelief.

“You brought me home but then I was gone.”

Phil looks up at Dan, who cautiously moves closer. 

“Hello? Emergency. Are you in need of service?”

“So sorry,” Phil says into the phone, “my mistake.” He ends the call. 

“It’s me, Phil. It’s Bear. Come closer. You know it’s me.” 

“I don’t know,” Phil says, “I don’t know.”

“Think for a second,“ Dan continues, “have you ever seen your dog during the day?”

Phil stands.

“You met me in the park, on the full moon, and then you didn’t see me again for a month. The next time you saw me was…”

“The next full moon,” Phil whispers, before clasping his hand over his mouth. His eyes fill with tears but he’s not sure what they’re for.

Stepping forward, Dan pulls Phil’s hand away and holds it. Tenderly, slowly, he brings their bodies together and leans to press his face into Phil’s long neck. He sniffs and nuzzles and Phil’s arms finally make their way around to hold him. He can deny the warmth in Dan’s eyes, the things he knows, he can deny the way this man smells like home to him. There is something else though, a visceral recognition that he can’t deny. Every piece of Phil’s body knows what his brain is trying desperately to catch up to. It’s him, it’s his Bear.

“Bear,” He sighs as he pulls him closer.

***

“You’re so beautiful.” It’s the third time Phil has said it. They’re sat on his sofa. Dan has the sleeves of Phil’s big oversized hoodie pulled down over his hands. He’s wearing a pair of Phil’s joggers too. His knees are pulled up to his chin, mug of tea held up close to his nose so he can smell the sweet floral fragrance. Phil is sat on the other end in a similar configuration. He’d been determined to wrap Dan up in warmth, not that he minded the view. He just feels this intense draw to make Dan cozy and safe.

“Are you ok? Do you need anything?” Phil says, “Are you hungry? I might have some biscuits. Maybe something more substantial?” He starts to get up.

“Phil. I’m ok.” Dan’s smile is so soft and lovely and Phil sits back down and stares.

“You have to stop looking at me like that.”

“Sorry. You’re just so…”

“You have to stop saying that too. But, thank you.” Dan’s cheeks, already pink from the steam of his tea, deepen their color and Phil has to bite his tongue to avoid saying it again and again.

“You’re ok?” Phil aks.

“I’m ok.” Dan takes a sip before continuing. “This is really nice, Phil. I’m usually alone when I turn back and it’s, well, this is better.”

Satisfaction settles in and Phil relaxes back into the cushions, pulling a blanket over his lap. He’s drinking his coffee and watching Dan sip his tea and it’s raining outside the window. It’s as close to perfect as he can imagine and his mind supplies a timeline of morning after morning, spent just like this. This isn’t something that has happened before. Phil has never met someone and imagined a future with them, at least not one so mundane and domestic, so real. No sooner has he lost himself in that fantasy than his mind supplies a storm of doubt. He doesn’t know if Dan sees Phil the way that Phil sees him. Maybe all the nuzzling and affection is just a dog thing. Are they even friends? Is Dan even single, is he even gay? It’s at that precise moment that Phil realizes, of all the questions currently vying for attention in his brain, none of them are about the fact that Dan is apparently a werewolf, or a weredog, or something. He can’t help but laugh.

“What?” Dan asks.

“This is insane,” Phil says, “You’re a fucking werewolf, Dan.”

Dan raises his brows as if to say, yeah mate, I know.

“I should be freaking out,” Phil says, “I should have questions.”

Dan nods a small nod and curls in on himself a bit. He shrugs. “ What do you want to know?”

Phil swallows. All he really wants to know is, is Dan warm enough, does he think Phil is good looking, does he feel the pull toward Phil that Phil feels toward him? He doesn’t ask those things.

“How long have you been…?” He doesn’t like saying the word. It doesn’t fit. 

“I was 20, so 6 years?”

“Are there more? Like do you know others, like you?”

“There are, but I keep my distance. I’m not like them.”

“So how did it happen? Who made you.. or… is that how it works?”

Dans lips pull tight and he squares his shoulders. Phil knows he crossed a line and he desperately wants to take the question back.

“Forget I asked that.” Phil says, “Different question?”

Dan nods. He grabs the end of Phil’s blanket to pull over his legs and Phil moves a little closer to give him more to work with.

“Can you turn anytime you want to?”

“Yeah, as long as it’s night, and the moon is out. The sun drowns her out during the day, there has to be moonlight. And yes I know that light comes from the sun, I don’t make the rules.” Dan eyes are firmly on his own hands. His tea set aside, he’s started to twist the blanket in his fingers, fidgeting. “I can’t help it though, when the moon is full, and the days surrounding it. When it shines brightest in the sky, for those three days, I have to hunt. I need to run.” 

“So how often do you turn when the moon isn’t full?”

Dan huffs a breath, “Never.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s awful. It scares me. What if i hurt someone?”

“You wouldn’t.”

Phil hasn’t looked away from Dan’s face since they started talking and he’s finally rewarded now. Brown eyes meet his, narrowing a bit, and he’s reminded again of the connection they have. He felt it when he first knelt down to pet Bear, when he’d followed him home, when they walked side by side through the park. It’s so strange, this attraction, but it’s been there from the start, it’s natural. 

“People fear me, dogs fear me, wolves attack. I’m all alone when I turn.”

“People fear you?”

“Well yeah, I look so scary.”

“I mean, you’re a big boy,” Phil laughs a little, “but you just looked sweet to me, friendly. I saw someone I could be friends with.”

“That’s what you saw?”

“Yeah.”

Dan unfolds his legs and scoots toward Phil under their shared blanket. Soon his head is on Phil’s shoulder, nose nuzzling against his neck and Phil’s fingers have found a home in Dan’s curls. He resists the urge to pet Dan’s head and instead rubs his fingerstips into his scalp, massaging and scratching to the sound of contented sighs.

“Phil?” Dan’s voice is barely a whisper.

“Hmm?”

“I’m glad you found me.”

Phil’s heart feels tight, like Dan has crawled inside and there’s no room for anything else. “Me too, Bear,” he says. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Additional tags for this chapter, small threat of danger, non explicit sexual content, and homophobia

Phil had gotten used to the idea of Bear living with him. He was only here for a couple of days but there’s something missing without him. His bed lays empty at the foot of Phil’s bed, dog toys discarded nearby, and Phil has no intention of putting any of it away. He invites Dan over everyday and he comes, when he has time. He makes the short walk from his flat near the park and they have lunch together, sitting on the floor. It’s not long before Dan is hanging around after lunch, curling up on the sofa while Phil works. 

Eventually Phil takes him out to dinner and escorts him home like a proper date. They walk so close to one another, they might as well hold hands, but they don’t. They don’t talk much either. They did enough talking at dinner, about movies and games and family and work, all the things you talk about on a first date. It’s comfortable in the quiet. 

When they reach Dan’s door, Phil says, “I really want to kiss you.”

Dan just smiles and closes his eyes. It’s the sweetest kiss Phil can remember. His mind isn’t flooded with naked skin and big black dogs, it’s just right here, in the moment. Dan’s lips are everything. It doesn’t feel like a first date. 

He starts coming by in the evenings, after Phil’s walk, to make out on the sofa until Dan decides to head home. Soon, he’s staying all day on the weekends. Phil takes his walk every day, without fail, and now that Dan is there, its only natural that he comes along.

It’s a beautiful night, illuminated by a million stars and just a sliver of a crescent moon. It is clear and the cold is biting. Dan shivers, his shoulders pulled up to his ears.

“You do this every night?” He says, breathing warm air into his hands.

“I do,” Phil says, “it’s my meditation.” Phil unwinds his scarf from his neck and stops walking. When Dan looks at him, he lifts the scarf over his head and wraps it around tightly, ending with a flourish of a knot at Dan’s throat. Dan’s eyes watch his face as he works.

“Hope I’m not intruding.”

Phil pulls his own zipper all the way to his chin before slipping his hand into Dan’s. They’re moving toward the back of the park and no one’s out tonight. He knows he’ll let go once they reach the road again but it feels good right now. 

“You’re not,” Phil says. He doesn’t tell him that he’s all he’s thought about on these walks for the last month anyway. He doesn’t mention that Dan feels like his family already.

When they get back to Phil’s place, they order pizza and climb into bed to watch a movie. This is how they’ve ended quite a few of their evenings, cuddling in bed. It’s just so cold out and Dan is so, so warm. Things being what they are, they slip off their trousers and jumpers. There’s no need for formalities. 

When they’re done eating, Dan scoots down till he’s cozy under the covers and Phil follows him. They don’t watch the movie anymore. Their hushed voices fill the space between them. They’re laying face to face, legs tangled up, and they laugh and sigh and punctuate with kisses until the words run out. There’s nothing else to do, so they just keep kissing, slow and languid, with no objective but to feel and share the air they breathe. When Phil’s hand lands on Dan’s hip, pulling him close enough to elicit the hint of a moan, he breaks the kiss. 

He does that, pulls back just when Phil wants to surge forward. Phil takes a deep breath and steadies himself. He moves his body away just enough. If Dan wants to slow down, Phil needs to cool off.

“How do we always end up in my bed?” He says, smiling. Their bodies aren’t touching anymore but their feet rub back and forth over each other and Dan is tracing a path through Phil’s chest hair with his finger.

“It’s a nice bed, way nicer than mine,” Dan says. He moves a little closer, tangles up a little more, and nuzzles into Phil’s neck. It’s become so familiar, this particular brand of affection. It’s so Bear and it’s so Dan. 

Phil’s hand comes up to cradle Dan’s head. “You should stay over. We don’t have to do anything but this.”

“I don’t know,” Dan says.

Phil leans back so he can look Dan in the eye.

“Stay Dan.” 

“Oi!” Dan narrows his eyes. “I don’t think I like the way you said that.” His expression is stern but he’s smiling through it. 

Phil laughs and rolls onto his back. Dan follows naturally and settles with his head on Phil’s chest. He scratches lightly up and down Dan’s back and mumbles, “good boy.”

“You’re lucky I’m so full and cozy, or I’d make you pay for that.” Dan follows his threat up with a yawn and Phil just chuckles and kisses the top of his head.

They do get up eventually, just to brush their teeth and wash up. The bed is still warm when they climb back in and Dan slots himself against Phil’s back, spooning. His arm is draped over so Phil can hold onto his hand. He can feel him breathing and when he closes his eyes, he remembers Bear at the foot of his bed, breathing just like this, soft and even. He listens and feels and the rhythm rocks him to sleep. 

***

Through it all, Phil has followed Dan’s lead, taking it slow. This pace is completely new to him. When Phil meets someone new, he sleeps with him right away. If there’s no sexual chemistry, he wants to know before he develops feelings. At least that’s what he’s always told himself. The fact that a shocking few of those hook ups turned into anything more is neither here nor there. He knows he probably has a fear of commitment, of what it means to really let someone in to his life. He knows his excuses are weak. 

Funny how the little voice in his head, the one that says he doesn’t have time for a relationship, has been silent since Dan’s been around. Every moment with him has been the sweetest romance but it’s more than just romantic. From the moment Dan walked up to Phil at that park, he knew he’d met his other half, his best friend. He was safe with Bear and he’s safe with Dan. When they’re in bed, skin on skin, Dan’s lips just resting on Phil’s shoulder, it’s a Herculean task to hold back. It’s not the sex, he wants that, but it’s not that. If Dan said it would never go further than it has, Phil could accept it. He thinks he could be content with just about anything as long as Dan is right here. He only needs his smile and his eyes and the melody of his voice. What he’s holding back is love. Big, irrational love that it’s too soon to feel and would be crazy to admit. 

Making out on the sofa is nothing new. Phil had forgotten how good it feels to just kiss and kiss, and Dan is the best kisser with the best hands and the best sighs and the best skin for Phil to run his fingers over. He does this thing when they stop to catch their breath where he buries his face in Phil’s neck and just inhales him, rubbing his nose up and down, over and over. It makes Phil crazy, knowing Dan can’t get enough of him. He can’t even stop to breathe unless it’s Phil’s scent he’s breathing. 

What is new is the way Dan’s fingers are digging into Phil’s hip and the way he’s biting at Phil’s jaw and at his bottom lip. He sinks in, closer and closer, until he’s practically lying on top of Phil and he has no choice but to climb into his lap. Phil’s hands are up the back of Dan’s shirt and he moves one around to feel the soft skin of his belly. Dan is everywhere. He’s in Phil’s lap, his knees bracketing Phil’s hips. His fingers are working to open Phil’s shirt buttons and he’s looking down, right into Phil’s eyes with the softest, sweetest smile on his lips.

Dan is by far the most beautiful creature Phil has ever laid eyes on. That thought rolls around his mind and it’s utterly ridiculous and absolutely true. He smells like some kind of heady nectar and Phil doesn’t want to sip anymore. He wants to swallow him down, in big breathless gulps until there’s nothing left but what runs from the corners of his mouth. Dan pushes Phil’s shirt open and ducks his head to kiss and nibble across his chest. His breaths come ragged and hard, his body writhing gently. Phil’s eyes are closed, he’s focused on his breath, struggling to stay ahead of the overwhelming rush of want and affection he feels. 

Dan’s kisses move lower. Phil feels lips on his ribs, his belly, below his navel, his hip bone. He feels fingers hook under the waist of his pants. He doesn’t open his eyes, fearful that the visual would make the tentative grasp he currently has on his emotions lose its grip. 

“Dan,” he says, “you don’t have to do that.”

“I know. I want to,” Dans says, pressing tiny kisses in a line all along the edge of Phil’s waistband. “Is it okay? Do you want to stop?”

Phil’s head shakes no before he can even think. “No,” he says, “I mean yes. I mean yes, it's okay and no I don’t want to stop.” Dan laughs a little and moves to pull Phil’s pants down to knees. 

It’s not supposed to feel so real, something like this. It’s supposed to be fun. He should be thinking about how hot Dan’s breath feels and how he never knew he liked a little graze of the teeth till now. He’s not though. What he’s thinking about is how Dan’s eyes actually sparkle when he looks up at him, how he smiles like he really means it, and how he keeps checking in with Phil to make sure he’s happy. And he is happy, but it’s all a little too much. All he can say is, “Dan, Dan, Dan.”

Before long, Phil’s head rests back on the sofa, his eyes are closed and he’s taking big heaving breaths. Dan pulls Phil’s pants up for him before cuddling up next to him. There’s a hand on Phil’s chest and the familiar sensation of Dan’s nose nuzzling into the side of his neck. Phil lifts his head only to press back against Dan and nuzzle back. 

“Good?” Dan asks, lips moving against the skin of Phil’s neck. 

Phil’s lips twist, concealing what they can, and he shakes his head. Dan raises up to kiss his cheek and runs a thumb over Phil’s eyes, coaxing the moisture there to the surface.

“That was,” Phil says, “I have a lot of things I want to say but I feel like I’m gonna freak you out.” His voice cracks.

“Hey,” Dans says sweetly, adding another kiss for good measure. “I know Phil. I get it.”

Scrubbing his hands over his face, Phil does his best to snap out of it. “Geez, I’m a mess.”

“Come on,” Dan says, “It’s time for your walk.”

He’s already on his feet, grabbing Phil’s coat from the rack and holding it out. 

“What about you?”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Shut up, I’m fine,” he says, “we’ve got time.”

It takes a while before they’re out the door. Phil insists on wrapping Dan up, piece by piece. He pulls his coat on for him, buttons it up, wraps him in a scarf, and shoves a hat down on his head. Dan pulls the hat off immediately, but agrees to gloves. 

“Are you warm enough, Bear?”

“Are you joking?”

It’s not the most beautiful of nights. There are no stars, just clouds, and the air smells of damp smog and cigarettes as they make their way down the busy sidewalk. Phil had almost forgotten it was a weekend.

“I can’t believe all those nights I’ve taken my walks, if I would have gone a few more blocks...”

“You would have walked right by my place.”

**“** Did you move there after you...” Phil trails off. They still haven’t discussed Dan being turned. He doesn’t want to bring up a painful memory for Dan. He wants to tread lightly. 

“I did,” Dan says, “I had been living with roommates so obviously that wasn’t gonna work anymore. I wish I could say I thought it through and made the responsible adult decision to get a place on my own.” He laughs a little but Phil hears the sadness in it. He takes his hand, lightly, so Dan can easily pull away if he wants to. “I had never lived alone and I felt like a monster, I was a monster, and …” Dan cuts off and pulls Phil’s hand closer.

“You know what? No sad stories today,” he says. 

“No sad stories,” Phil echoes back.

“So yeah, I moved there after,” Dan begins again, “What I am, it’s a part of me, it is me. I didn’t want to hate it anymore. And running, I mean I guess I’m sort of compelled to run, but I love it too. There is something freeing about it. So I took that one good thing and...”

“You ran with it?” Phil grins and nudges Dan with his elbow.

Dan groans, “oh god, delete yourself immediately. I can’t believe you make a living cracking jokes.”

“What are you talking about? That was gold. I’m a wordsmith.”

“Sure Phil.” He bumps Phil with his hip and flashes a smile that makes Phil’s heart flip over in his chest. As they cross the road to enter the path around the park, Phil puts a hand on the small of Dan’s back. He looks both ways carefully, guiding Dan like a Boy Scout helping a little old lady.

“Anyway, I was gonna run either way. This way I’m safe at home while I turn. It got really expensive before I figured it all out.”

It’s clear Phil is confused by the look on his face.

“I broke down the door the first time I turned in my own place, couldn’t explain that to the landlord. I needed a way out of my flat so I installed a trap door of sorts, like a flap in my back door. It’s just big enough to squeeze through. Someone could probably break into my house through it, tbh, but I don’t really worry about that.”

Phil stops and looks at Dan in disbelief. “You have a doggy door?” he says, covering his mouth to stifle a giggle, “oh my god!”

“Don’t laugh,” Dan says, shoving Phil in the shoulder. “I can get naked and get out and run without ruining a £400 jumper or knocking down my door.”

“Clever,” Phil says but he’s still laughing.

“Gee, thanks.” 

“You have a £400 jumper?”

“A few, yeah,” Dan says, “stop judging me.” They’re both laughing until suddenly Dan isn’t. He pulls his hand from Phil’s abruptly. There’s a man standing just ahead, on the trail, his dark clothes barely visible in the night. He’s staring right at them. They keep their heads down and square their shoulders, keeping a steady pace. 

“Girls night out, is it?” the man says and they ignore him, just walking, picking up their pace just slightly. Phil hasn’t been afraid here for so long but this guy is as big as them and he’s standing alone in a park, late at night, not walking, just standing. He’s not likely to have friendly intentions.

Once they’re past, he realizes he’s holding his breath and he let’s it out in a rush. He wants to take Dan’s hand back in his but he doesn’t dare. The relief doesn’t last, there are footsteps behind them. 

“I’m talking to you girls. Don’t be rude now.” He sounds so close.

“I can turn,” Dan whispers, “walk near the trees so i can hide. I only need a few seconds.”

“No Dan, let’s just get out of here.”

It happens fast. The words have barely left Phil’s mouth when a rough hand lands on his shoulder, spinning him around. He’s eye to eye with the very thing he told himself he’d never meet in this park, an attacker, an assailant, but only for a moment. The sound he hears can only be described as a growl, low and long, thundering from somewhere deep in Dan’s chest. He stands tall in front of Phil and the man stumbles back, a look of terror on his face at the sound coming from Dan and whatever it is he sees in his face. 

The man is on the ground and then he’s up and running, gone. 

“Dan, are you okay?” 

Dan’s chest heaves, nostrils flared, and he watches the man run. 

“Dan?” Phil puts a hand on Dan’s arm and he jumps, turning quickly to look at Phil, his eyes flashing with rage and hunger. Almost immediately, his shoulders slump and he takes Phil’s face in his hands.

“Phil,” He says through a sigh of relief, “Phil are you hurt? Fuck, he could have… I should have known, I should have smelled him, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m so sorry. Fuck Phil, if he hurt you, I’d fucking kill him. I would.”

“Okay,” Phil nods, and pulls Dan close, holding him in his arms, suddenly unafraid of who might see. “I’m okay. It’s okay Bear, let’s go home.”

  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Dan doesn’t leave that night or the next. He wraps himself around Phil wherever he lands, on the sofa, in bed, and when they walk, their knuckles brush, shoulders bumping. They avoid the park, something Phil hasn’t done in ages. They don’t talk about what happened but Dan asks if he should head home and Phil says, “don’t you dare.” 

When he does leave, he’s gone for a few days. He’s got to catch up on his life and Phil is happy to spend a few days alone, though he misses Dan fiercely. 

It’s a clear night with a half moon shining bright in the sky when Phil finally ventures into the park again. It took so long to work through his fear and anxiety. He’s not about to let one opportunistic homophobe undo all the work he’s done. Still, his hands are shaking as he tucks his scarf into the front of his coat. When he gets to the park, it appears empty. As he nears the wooded edge, there’s still no one. The clouds are rolling in. Deliberately, he slows his steps, listens to his heart beating in his ears, and breathes deeply until calm starts to settle in. This place is his, he won’t have it taken from him. London weather is moody and by the time he reaches the bench, it’s drizzling. The bench is still dry though and Phil leans back to feel the soft sprinkle on his cheeks. No one will be out here in the rain. Eyes closed, he feels it, harder and harder, till water runs over his face and between his lips. Finally, he stands and walks through the downpour till he’s home. 

The shower is hot and absolute heaven on his chilled skin. Standing in the spray, he lets his mind wander over the night he’s had. Just like so many nights before, he was alone and he was okay. He pushed through on his own not because of any illusion of safety or because of a big dog walking with him, protecting him. He pushed through because he could. Every step of the way, he’s only done what he could. Dan hasn’t made him stronger or braver. What he has done is been a witness to something Phil has yet to show to anyone. He saw Phil, just as he is, and he moved in close and chose him. And somehow being seen has meant Phil can see himself clearer than he ever has before. He’s been frozen in his life, so many times, but all he can recall now is this feeling of exhilaration, of triumph and perseverance. 

He wonders how the unafraid find their courage and when they do, what do they use it for? He uses his to text Dan a selfie, wet from the shower and shirtless. It’s as good a use as any.

Dan responds, “see you tomorrow?”

“Yes please.”

***

Dan knocks late in the evening, when he knows Phil will be finished with work and dinner and his walk. There’s nothing left of the day but them. When Phil opens the door, he walks straight into him, bumping their chests together, their lips colliding, only to settle into a soft, slow kiss. They don’t separate, not entirely. They just stay, foreheads touching, hands roaming to touch the bare skin of each other's hands, wrists, necks, faces. Dan’s coat slips from his shoulders and lands on the floor and that’s where it stays. 

It’s clear a line has been crossed and they can’t go back. Phil had shown Dan his belly. With wet eyes and a cracking voice, he’d exposed himself. And Dan had too. He’d done it with a growl, but he’d done it all the same. Holding Dan now, Phil feels drunk on trust. He could let his knees buckle, let Dan catch him and carry him wherever he wants to go. He knows Dan feels the same, knows it right down to his core. He doesn’t have to ask. 

Their hands are clasped so Phil holds on and leads Dan to his bed. The light is off. It makes for a good view of the bright moon and stars that shine through the window. It’s one of Phil’s favorite things about this flat. There’s a garden out back so his view is unobstructed. He’s always been fed by the night sky.

“It’s pretty out,” Dan says, walking to the window. 

“Don’t care,” Phil says, moving to take Dan’s hand once again. He pulls him away from the window and lets his hands land at the hem of his jumper. Dan lifts his arms and soon the jumper is tossed aside. Phil’s comes off too, with absolutely no grace or ceremony, and they’re pressed together again. The warmth of Dan’s breath in the crook of his neck is so familiar now. It sends a wave of comfort and a shock of arousal through Phil, not a combination he’s experienced before but one he’d like to hold on to if he can. 

“Phil,” Dan says, “I know you’ve been careful with me, and I appreciate it so much. I needed that, to go slow.” He pulls back just enough to look at Phil in the dark. “But I’m good now. I don’t want to wait anymore. Unless you do. I’ll wait if that’s what you want.”

“You’d wait for me?” Phil says.

Dan nods. “Forever,” he says with a heavy sigh that says he doesn’t want to wait at all, “but I’d rather not. Do you want to keep waiting?”

“No.”

This time it’s Dan who leads Phil to the bed, managing to get them both undressed on the way. Phil reaches with lips and limbs and tongue and whatever he can and lets himself be moved. He finds himself laying back on the soft linens of his bed, Dan crawling over him, limbs interlacing. He can feel so much of Dan’s skin, his bare hip digs into Phil’s, the weight of him pressing Phil into the bed. Their tongues sweep together, lips moving in a kiss they’ve learned well but with a new heat and a tenderness that breaks Phil’s heart over and over. His fingers trail over parts of Dan that he’s only seen in a moment of terror. An image forms in his mind as he learns all the curves and edges until suddenly, he leans away, pulling his arm from between them.

“Wait a sec,” Phil says, reaching to switch on the bedside lamp, “I want to see you.”

Gently, he shifts his weight toward Dan until he’s laying back and Phil can prop himself next to him. He runs his fingers over his chest, eyes roaming, taking in every inch of skin. He opens his mouth to speak but Dan holds a finger up in protest.

“Just once,” Phil says with a breathy laugh.

Dan nods, lowering his hand with a huff, his eyes gleaming with a smile that his parted lips can’t convey.

“You’re so beautiful,” Phil says

Their lips meet and the light stays on.

***

Sleepy sunlight filters through sheer curtains, dancing over Dan’s closed eyes in shades of orange and lilac. Phil is meant to be finishing up his to do list while Dan rests on the sofa. He hasn’t looked at the screen in a while. 

“I can feel you looking,” Dan says, one eye peeking open, “all done?”

“Yes?” Phil says, closing his laptop. 

“I don’t believe you.” Dan reaches out with grabby hands and Phil sits on the sofa, crowding him into the back cushions. 

“Do you care?”

“No, but only because I’m leaving in like 20 minutes. “

“You don’t have to go, Dan.”

“I do,” Dan says and there’s no room for argument, “come cuddle me.” 

“I can go to bed if you don’t want me to see. There’s dog food, I’ll set your dish out.”

“That’s not exactly hunting, Phil.”

“I know.” He doesn't want him to go. He needs to know he’s safe and warm when he turns back. 

“It’s not like we haven’t gone two nights without seeing each other,” Dan says, “I’ll see you tomorrow. The sun’s almost down.” He sits up, moving closer to Phil who hasn’t budged except to run his fingertips along Dan’s forearm.

“I barely slept last night. I couldn’t stop thinking about you waking up cold and alone.”

“It’s not like I’m turning back in an alley, Phil. I woke up in my own flat, curled up on the rug, nice and warm. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Phil mutters, “still alone though.”

There’s a stretch of silence, Dan’s head rests on Phil’s shoulder for a bit before he heaves a deep, dramatic sigh. It’s a sound Bear has made before settling down to sleep in his bed, a sound of resignation.

“You have to go to bed right now.”

“Okay.”

“And you can’t come out, no matter what.”

“Okay,” Phil says, nodding and grinning before kissing Dan quickly and getting to his feet. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

It’s the earliest Phil has gone to bed in ages. He tries to read but his mind won’t still. The house is quiet, the door to his room open only a crack. The light in the hall eventually goes out and in time, Phil sleeps. When he wakes, it’s still dark. There’s a glow cast over the room, a bright full moon visible through the window. From the foot of the bed comes the unmistakable sound of Bear breathing gently, asleep. There’s nothing more comforting than that. It’s like the sound of his mother shushing him back to sleep after a bad dream. It’s like his grandmother singing in the kitchen as she cooked, the sun just barely rising in the sky. It’s more than familiar. There’s something restless inside of Phil that quiets with that sound. He curls into his duvet and drifts back to a peaceful sleep. 

The curtains, left open to invite the moonlight, have let the sun in too and it’s harsh. It invades Phil’s early morning dreams and he makes an attempt at pulling the duvet up to shield his eyes. It doesn’t budge. Squinting, he peeks through heavy eyelids and laying atop his duvet is the most beautiful creature. Dan is asleep, naked, curly hair shining in the light and the sun doesn’t feel like the enemy anymore. His skin shimmers, dewy, touchable, and inviting. 

Phil rolls from the bed, tip toes to the window, and draws the curtains shut. When he climbs back in, he’s got a spare blanket in his arms. Carefully, he moves in close to Dan and wraps an arm around his waist, pulling the blanket over the both of them. Dan snuffles and sighs but stays asleep. There’s a full day of tasks on Phil’s schedule but it will all have to wait. Dan needs his rest and Phil isn’t going anywhere.

After a meager attempt at getting work done on his phone, he tried to read, but ultimately he drifts back off to sleep. Without coffee, no amount of sleep is ever enough. His head is pounding when he wakes and blinks his blurry eyes open. 

When Phil reaches for his glasses, Dan is dressed and pacing in front of the window.

“Hey,” Phil says, “you okay?” Dan hasn’t seen one of his headaches yet and he doesn’t want to burden him with it today. Not on the last day of the full moon, not when Dan looks like a lion in a cage. He does his best to hide his grimace but he knows it’s there. Dan stops in his tracks and it’s clear he sees it too.

“Not really but are you okay? You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Phil says, reaching under his glasses to rub his fingertips into his eyes.

Dan doesn’t respond. He just walks out of the room so Phil lays back and closes his eyes, breathing deep to calm the nausea that’s starting to swirl in his stomach. 

It could be ten minutes later or an hour but Dan returns with coffee and a glass of water. He sets them down and hands Phil three ibuprofen. 

“Drink the whole glass with those,” he says, “and then the coffee. I’ll refill it when you’re done.”

Phil does as he’s told.

“My mum used to get migraines. I’d know that face anywhere.” Dan takes the mug back after Phil drains it. “Sit there and close your eyes. I’ll get you a cold cloth.”

“Wait, Dan,” Phil’s voice is wobbly, “I’m worried about you.”

“Well that makes two of us.” Dan smiles and leans in to kiss Phil softly on the forehead. “I’m okay,” he whispers, “just restless. I need to hunt. We’ll talk when you feel better. For now, hush.” Another smile and he’s off to refill Phil’s drinks.

  
  
  
  
  


The sun is getting lower in the sky and Phil knows he doesn’t have all night to lay here and recover. The gripping vice on his skull has let up enough that he can open his eyes without fear of throwing up the toast Dan had made him earlier. When he pulls himself up to sit, Dan is right there, hunched over his phone. 

“You stayed with me,” Phil says.

Dan shrugs, “you stayed with me.”

His knee bounces, vibrating the bed just slightly. His fingers tap against the phone. He cracks his neck once and then again a few minutes later. And there’s something behind his eyes. Restless doesn’t cover it, it’s wild and hungry, and Phil can’t fathom being the one that would tame it.

“Should you get going?” Phil says, as cheery as he can muster, “Sun’s going down.”

“Actually, I was hoping to stay.”

Phil is about to protest when Dan cuts back in.

“You’ll have to let me out. Which means you’ll see me turn. I don’t think I can keep from running. I’ll need you to be ready.”

“Are you sure?”

Dan nods, “I think I want you to see. I need to know what you think.”

Phil nods and the shadows grow longer.

***

Phil pulls on his coat and tucks Bear’s leash and collar into his pocket. He locks the door behind himself and sets off on a path he’s taken hundreds of times at this point. This time is different. Somewhere out here, Bear is running, chasing something smaller and weaker, pouncing and tearing flesh. Somewhere Dan is acting on pure instinct to survive, to feed this piece of him, as real as any other piece that Phil loves.

He had stripped down and stood naked in the kitchen. He could run from the garden through the swinging gate and through the alley. All Phil had to do was open the door. The change happened quickly, with an arch of his back and a groan of pain that knocked Dan to his knees. In seconds, he was on all fours, spine twisting and settling just as swiftly, as a blanket of fur rolled over him. Phil watched in silence, tucking away the impulse to protect Dan, to take away his pain, and give him something safe and comfortable. Comfort isn’t what Dan needs on these nights, not until the sun rises again. It’s messy and unpredictable and Phil just has to let it be. He can’t control this. He can’t filter it through a lens or edit out the scary parts. He just has to accept the wild.

When he gets to the park, he finds his bench and sits, leans his head back like he has so many times before. He watches the moon, his constant companion through years of hard work on himself and he knows it gave him so much more than he could have expected. His fingers toy with the leash in his pocket, waiting.

The clouds roll in but no rain. Phil pulls his coat up tight around his throat. He’s never given any thought to what dangers might be out there. Bear certainly outsizes and outruns any animals that might wander through these urban woods. But what about others like Dan, what about people, what about cars and busses and- 

The trees rustle, catching Phil’s attention and focusing his anxious mind. He fights his instinct to run toward the sound. Soon, a dark figure steps forward. After pausing to lick his paws and clean the fur around his jaw, Bear walks toward the bench. He moves slowly at first and then breaks into a run. In moments, his front paws are on Phil’s thighs, tail wagging happily, nose nuzzling into Phil’s hands.

“Hello Bear,” Phils says, “did you get what you needed?” Phil pulls out the collar and leash. He holds them out. “Okay?”

Bear sits back and looks up at Phil with big trusting eyes. He’s calm and satiated and Phil knows the answer. After fastening the collar and attaching the leash, Phil kneels down to press his face into the thick damp fur at Bear’s neck. He takes a moment there to breath this wild version of him.

The leash sags between them as they take their time walking home. Bear moves slowly, winding down, sleepy. He sits and watches as Phil locks up, then follows him to the bedroom. When Phil emerges from the bathroom, teeth brushed, ready for bed, Bear nuzzles his bare legs and Phil scratches his ears.

“Sleepy Bear, let’s go to bed.”

Bear jumps on to the bed and lays right over Phil’s feet. He’s way too big. He takes up half the bed but it feels too good so Phil turns out the light and closes his eyes. 

The next time his eyes open, it’s morning. He stretches out and arches till his back cracks. The shower is running so he makes his way into the bathroom and sits down on the lid of the toilet. He rubs his eyes under his glasses. 

“You creepin’ on me Lester?” Dan says, “You can join me if you want.”

“Mmph,” Phil grunts, “you deserve better than this. I’ll have coffee ready when you get out.”

“Okay. You alright?”

Phil doesn’t answer right away. Is he alright? Last night was far from normal but he can imagine a life where a night like that is routine. All he knows for sure is that he wants Dan close, no, he needs him close.

“I’m good,” he says, “Dan?”

“Mmhmm.”

“What’s it like waking up after?”

“It’s, hmm, it’s a little disorienting, and dirty.” He laughs through the shower spray. “Waking up here though? That’s pretty good, knowing I can curl up with you. You have no idea how good it feels to just feel safe.”

Phil knows exactly how good it feels. 

“I’ll get the coffee started,” he says, and takes his head full of worry to the kitchen to calm down.

It would be really great if Phil had a coffee maker. He likes instant but suddenly it doesn’t seem good enough. This little kitchen isn’t enough. He doesn’t even have proper breakfast things, just cereal. How can he expect Dan to wake up here and eat cereal like a toddler, when he’s had the kind of night he’s had? 

The substandard coffees are ready. He probably made Dan’s too sweet but he can’t do anything about that now. 

Dan walks in wearing Phil’s joggers, his hair wet and curling. Phil hands him a mug.

“Thanks.” he smiles and Phil’s not sure he’s never seen this version of Dan. He looks so sure and strong, just relaxed and happy. “Hope you don’t mind, I borrowed your joggers.”

“You shouldn’t have to come out of it alone,” Phil says. 

Dan pauses mid sip but then finishes and leans in for a coffee flavored kiss. He sets his cup down on the counter and rests his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“It’s not that bad, I told you.”

“You said it's disorienting.” Phil says, harsher than he means, “You’re alone and confused, and exhausted. Three days a month, every month.”

“Well when you put it that way.” Dan walks to the living room, grabbing his coffee on the way.

“I know you’re okay,” Phil says, following behind, “but I hate it Dan. And you said yourself, it’s better when you aren’t alone.”

“It’s just the way it is. I can’t exactly live with someone.”

“Live with me.”

“Ha!” Dan says, “funny.”

“I’m not joking.”

“We’ve been together a month, Phil. One month.”

“One month plus those few days. And so what? I already know the big important thing.” Phil takes Dan’s mug and puts it down next to his. He takes his hands but Dan won’t look him in the eyes. “You said you feel safe here. I feel safe with you too.”

“That’s cuz I’m a big ferocious looking dog.”

“I thought that's what it was. But it's not. It’s you Dan. I feel safe with you. I like having you here.”

“Phil, this is so kind and so tempting but there’s still a lot you don’t know about me.”

“I could say the same,” Phil says. “Anyway, I’d only meet a dog once, maybe twice before adopting it.”

Dan huffs a laugh, “Fuck off,” he says but it’s the fondest fuck off Phil has ever heard.

They are quiet for a bit. Dan is clearly thinking and Phil doesn’t want to interrupt. He scoots closer and wraps an arm around Dan’s shoulder. 

“What if I hulk out,” Dan says, “what if i hurt you?”

“You would never hurt me.”

“You don’t know that.” 

“Of course I do.”

Dan pulls away just enough to turn and face Phil, He folds his legs up between them.

“You don’t know how I can get. I had already fed when you found me. If I hadn’t hunted last night, I don’t know what I would have done.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I should have never asked you to stay in the other night. I didn’t understand. But I know now. You just have to teach me.”

Dan is quiet. He’s holding Phil’s hand in his lap, tracing circles on his knuckles with his thumb. Phil doesn’t know why they’re still discussing this. If it’s just about protecting him, he couldn’t care less. 

“If it’s not what you want, I won’t mention it again. But if it’s just about me…”

“Of course it’s what I want,” Dan says, “but I get so hungry Phil, you have no idea. Its primal.”

“So we’ll install a doggy door. You can run and hunt as long as you want, and then come home.”

“Home,” Dan sighs, “to you?”

Phil nods. “To me. And I’ll take care of you.”

Dan’s eyes are wet when he leans in to press his lips to Phil’s. There’s probably more to talk about but the rest is better said without words.

  
  


_ *** _

There is icing everywhere. Phil can't seem to get the electric mixer to run at a reasonable speed. It’s either very slow, which doesn’t get the job done, or very very fast, which has resulted in some serious overspray. It’ll be a great video at least, Phil’s audience loves a mess. He’s meant to be cleaning up but mostly, he’s licking the icing off of the whisks and looking over the lunar calendar that hangs in their kitchen. He’s been with Dan for nearly six months now and he barely has to check anymore. He just knows when they’re getting close to a hunt. 

When he plops down on the sofa, crashing from the sugar rush, Bear is curled up in front of the fireplace. Phil never used to use it, now it’s lit nearly every night. One of Bear’s big brown eyes squints open and he slowly gets to his feet, stretching his strong back, fur bristling across his spine. Phil will never grow tired of the awe he feels just watching Bear. He saunters over and jumps up to sit on the sofa next to Phil. After a nudge of his nose he goes in for a full on lick, leaving a wet trail on the entire right side of Phil’s face. 

“Bear!” Phil laughs, realizing he probably had quite a bit of sugary sweetness just begging to be licked. Bear’s big tongue licks once more, just softly in the corner of Phil’s mouth before he runs it around his own muzzle and settles, panting.

“You like that, Bear?” Phil says with a smirk, “We can put icing in some other places if you wanna turn back.” 

Bear tips his head to one side before yawning his huge mouth wide open. He turns a bit and lays down, head in Phil’s lap.

Phil pets his back gently. “Okay, I can take a hint.”

Soon Bear will be fast asleep again, building up energy for this weekend’s hunt. Phil gets a lot of good documentary watching in on nights like this. Later, he’ll wake bear and they’ll go to bed. He’ll hold Dan is his arms and tell him he’s beautiful and Dan will let him. The moon will shine bright but not quite that bright and they’ll take advantage of the shadow of feral hunger that Dan starts to feel as the moon grows fuller. For now, Phil scratches behind Bear's ears. He smooths his hand over the dark wavy fur on his belly and murmurs, “Love you Bear.”

And Bear will breathe that deep, contented sigh that says he’s home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi at [@allthephils](http://allthephils.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you like the fic, please reblog it on Tumblr. You can do that [here](http://allthephils.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you!


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